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No More Mr. Nice Guy

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And everyone needs to learn how to recognize when they are in a bad relationship, with a partner they really should not be with. Before we evaluate any purported “psychology of men,” I have to set the foundation of where I am with respect to even just psychology. Otherwise the risk remains that readers of this book will think they have just been told to be aggressively assertive, arrogant, and selfish; that there is nothing they have to improve in themself. g. “ Nice Guys are dishonest” because they “hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings” and “ Nice Guys are secretive” because they “are so driven to seek approval” that they “will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone” (which is more or less the same thing), “ Nice Guys are manipulative” because they “tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways” so they use indirect ways (which, indeed, too many people really do not realize is by definition manipulative), “ Nice Guys are controlling,” and “ Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries,” and they are transactional (they think everything is tit-for-tat) and rationalizing (they will “rationalize” their own bad behavior) and so on. Surrender allows recovery Nice Guys to let go and respond to life’s complex beauty, rather than trying to control it.

I have also found that when they share the experience with other nonjudgmental men, their shame diminishes rapidly. You might immediately already see some problems here (and not only that there is nothing “uniquely” or even “distinctively” male about this list of qualities). These work well enough as stated, especially given the examples he gives in the book that illustrate what he means.Confidence is a question of either doubting or trusting your skills, knowledge, or odds of success in a given situation; self-respect is a question of believing on real rather than delusional evidence that you are a good person—more particularly, that you are the sort of person you like and admire, the sort of person you’d prefer to have around you in life, and not, instead, the sort of person you actually dislike or despise and would usually avoid or get away from. g. our propensity for violence or bulldozing consent, our cultural tendency toward selfishness and arrogance, a too-common indifference or obliviousness to the feelings or plight of others, and a general lack of, even resistance to building, our emotional intelligence—which are all real problems men have not adequately dealt with culturally) and what these guys misperceive as what society is telling them is dangerous and unsafe about men (e.

The way Glover frames his project, is that “by giving these men the label Nice Guy, I’m not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. But it’s more important to focus on what you can do than what you can’t; and leveraging the resources you do have to get the things you need on Maslow’s Hierarchy is crucial to achieving a satisfying life. If they still, after all that, are a terrible partner or you don’t really like being with that person, don’t. So all he does here is justify any man assuming any criticism whatever from his parents thus “caused” their every false belief or toxic behavioral pattern. They have been raised in a broken paradigm deliberately, not by accident (contrary to Glover’s bogus sexist theorizing, I highly recommend you read what actual scientists are saying the actual science says about this, e.They also reveal that their tendency to be attracted to "jerks" is because these men have more of a masculine edge to them.

The only fix really is to start changing the cultural mindset about this, so we will collectively see this as a national infrastructure problem and not just another thing we throw mere chump change at because we don’t take it seriously. Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. e. not pretending to be that, but actually being that) is not likely to conflict substantially with what good people will respect and admire and like in you, and thus it may be the same thing as what “others want you to be.When we look at the science, by contrast, the problem seems more likely a defective male culture, not a Freudian crisis of fatherlessness. Because of this reality, Nice Guys create adult relationships that mirror the dynamics of their dysfunctional childhood relationships. Information that does fit our paradigm is magnified by the process, adding even greater support for that particular way of believing. Vagiphobia is a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it gets in.

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